EDINBURGH FRINGE 2024
Interview
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ELLIE
BRELIS
DRIVING SEAT: OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISASTER
theSpace @ Surgeons' Hall- Theatre 3
THEATRE / DARK COMEDY / SOLO SHOW
Aug 22-24: TICKETS
AUG 22, 2024
When you’re eight, monsters live under your bed. Ellie’s live in her head, threatening to harm her sister and taunting the imminent death of her parents. After her monster was diagnosed as OCD, the life in threat became hers. It’s 2020: Ellie can’t drive, she can’t eat pizza, she decidedly can’t keep a boyfriend… but the one thing she can do is find humour in the horror. Buckle up for a shockingly funny and twisted ride through a young woman's epic breakup, major breakdown, coming out, and – just possibly – learning how to drive.
Hello Ellie, thank you for taking the time to talk with The New Current, how does it feel to making your Edinburgh Fringe debut at Space this summer?
It is a gift. To be able to take part in such a monumental festival, in a beautiful city, is most definitely a “pinch me” moment.
Have there been any nerves in the build up to your run or have you been able to just soak it all in and enjoy the experience?
I must admit, there have definitely been some nerves!! My show is a true story about my mental health, so I’m working very hard on balancing the joy of being here and making the most of it, while also being realistic about what I can accomplish without burning out. I am starting to find a bit of a groove though and starting to have a bit more fun which is amazing.
Will you be making any flyering trips to the Royal Mile? Godspeed if you do, you have to go at least once!
"We've been flyering but have yet to brave the Royal Mile! I will definitely at least once...it's very overstimulating but absolutely beautiful."
What does the Edinburgh Fringe mean to you?
Honestly, I hadn’t been too familiar with the Edinburgh Fringe Festival before I had a mental health crisis in 2020. Before I was hospitalised my psychiatrist recommended I watch “Fleabag” to see “a woman who deals with an insurmountable amount of grief.” I didn’t end up watching Fleabag until late 2021, well after my hospitalisation and six months of intensive treatment in 2020, where I wrote the very first draft of DRIVER’S SEAT.
I honestly didn’t think I’d ever write a solo-show and definitely never thought I would bring it to Edinburgh Fringe. So I guess to me, Edinburgh Fringe reminds me that life hardly ever goes as planned. While at times that can be painful, it can also lead to a lot of brilliant and beautiful moments. I’m just happy to be here at the end of the day. That I can stand on stage and share my story of feeling lost in my mind, and hopefully help other people feel a little less lonely if they feel lost in theirs.
Can you tell me a little bit about how your show came about, what can we expect?
I never thought, and actually always feared, that I would end up at a mental hospital. However, being there was unlike anything I had ever experienced. There were moments of pain, suffering, and some things that were truly horrific to see… and there were also a lot of moments of beauty, community, comedy, compassion, kindness, and friendship. I wanted to make sure I remembered those moments with my peers - the people I grew up trying so hard to separate myself from. That is what and who truly saved me. It was not the place, nor the treatment, but the people who went through with me that made a radical impact on my life.
The show is about so much more than “just being hospitalised” at a mental institution. Who hasn’t been impacted by a bad break up? A bad haircut? Who hasn’t lost a loved one and not only grieved that loss, but grieved the opportunity to say goodbye? While not everyone has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, people can still relate to feeling stuck in their head, or stuck in an identity, or stuck in some part of their life that is keeping them from “more”.
There’s a lot of laughs and a lot of tears during the show, as there have been over the last four years when it was originally created. I hope people walk away realising this show is about so much more than one thing, like OCD. As I, a person who lives with OCD, am so much more than that diagnosis.
What was it you wanted to say with your show and do you think you’ve achieved it?
At the end of the day, this show is a love letter to my friends I made at the hospital and throughout treatment. It also is the best way I can express my gratitude to my family and friends outside of treatment, who stuck by my side and never gave up, even when I did. All these people saved my life by showing me I was not alone. So I sincerely hope sharing my story reminds my friends, and anyone else in the audience who may need a reminder, that they also are not alone. They are more than their thoughts. More than their fears. And they are worth so much more than they give themselves credit for.
When creating a new show how self reflecting did you allow yourself to get in the writing?
The first draft of DRIVER’S SEAT, I was hesitant to share a lot of details about my OCD and mental health. Every draft since I finished the very first one in 2020 has taken a step towards transparency and vulnerability. When the show premiered at the 2022 New York City Frigid Festival, I did not know what to expect. But I knew that by sharing my story on stage and having reviewers come that I would forever lose the opportunity to choose when and how I disclose critical information about myself and identity. Information that could impact my safety. The fact that I have OCD, that I’ve been hospitalised for mental health, that I am a queer person. I am not ashamed of any of these things in the least - however, there was a kind of mourning period when I realised that anyone could do a quick Google search of my name and know some of the most intimate details of my life. However, that first premiere of DRIVER’S SEAT ended up winning Audience Choice Award at the NYC Frigid Festival, and three other awards, and had a sold-out run.
Since that first step of bravery, vulnerability, and transparency, at the Frigid Festival in New York City, I try to take at least one more step in that direction every time I revise the script or perform the show. I am very careful and judicious about what I share onstage and I make sure the people in my life know that just because I share certain details on stage, does not mean all the details of my life are free to share off stage. OCD is a very complex disorder and when I explain the nuances of OCD I am usually met with fearful judgment, or compassionate listening. It’s always a bit scary to share, to disclose, specific symptoms or experiences. However, since being quite public with mental health, I have found that the right people fall into my life a lot more quickly, and the wrong people fall out of it a lot more easily.
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If you could describe your show in three words what would they be and why?
Chaotic. Queer. Comedy.
What would you say have been the most interesting things you’ve discovered about yourself in the process of bringing your new show to the Fringe?
I'm glad I had the chance to try some changes in the show during the first week, as that’s helped me realise that ultimately the foundation that I originally created with my amazing team in LA is what this show really is. Sometimes simplicity is best. I felt a lot of pressure to honour every person and every experience I had with my hospitalisation in 2020, and also in 2023, but ultimately I cannot do that in a 40-minute show. However, I know that I honour and carry all of my friends from treatment every day. I know that simply by stepping on stage. I am showing up for them, and showing up for myself.
When a show is running do you give yourself much flexibility with the material?
I tried a different ending for the show the first week at fringe, and went back to the original. There are definitely moments throughout the script where I may ad-lib a tiny bit depending on the show and the audience. My OCD used to be (and sometimes still can be) very rigid and controlling when it comes to acting. I thought if one night felt “good” then I had to recreate that same performance every single time. Now, I am embracing the fact that every performance is going to be slightly different. There will be some shows that feel “better” to me, and there are some shows that won’t feel as strong. But ultimately, the fact that every night is a little different is what makes theatre so magical. It’s lightning that truly cannot be captured in a bottle.
What are your warm up and warm down routines during a run?
I actually use my “warm-up / warm-down routines” as a way to challenge my OCD. In the past, I felt an urgent need to perform the same routine before every show. It became very ritualistic and I wrote it off as an artistic ritual, and not what it actually was, a compulsive ritual. I had to do the same thing, the same way, each performance day, my preparation had to be the same. My breakfast, my sleep schedule, my physical and vocal warm up, etc.
That just isn’t possible at Fringe as every day is so different and moves so quickly. So I am really practicing listening to what my body’s needs each day and allowing myself to perform even when I feel my OCD telling me that I didn’t warm up my voice enough, I should have meditated, or I listened to the wrong song before going on stage. Any time my OCD tells me “you didn’t prepare enough. You prepared the wrong way. You’re gonna mess it up now.” I take a breath and say “Maybe. That might happen.” And then challenge myself to not look at my script before I step on stage, or any other act that might seem “normal” for an actor, but for me is actually a compulsion.
This show, DRIVER’S SEAT: Obsessive Compulsive Disaster, is about my battle to get my life back from OCD. This experience at the Fringe is my opportunity to get the thing I love to do more than anything else, acting, back from OCD as well. It’s really scary, but that’s how I know it’s worth doing.
Where did your passion for performing come from?
Drama class was the only time I ever felt smart or skilled in school. And the only time I ever felt like I had some sort of escape or freedom from my OCD. Drama class became the thing I looked forward to everyday at school and it’s what kept me going for so long.
What do you hope to take away from your debut fringe?
Of course I’ve got career goals and dreams that I hope take away from Fringe. But ultimately I hope it expands my creative community and inspires me to keep telling the story and creating new ones. And to continue freeing my creativity from my compulsions that are tied to OCD. I hope that I can practice caring for myself while creating art and not push myself so hard that I burn out and don’t feel joy. It is a gift to make art and I want to make sure I always feel joy when doing so.
Before coming to the fringe did you get any valuable advice from anyone?
Honestly - the thing most people were telling me before I left is “Remember to have fun.” I can have a hard time having fun when I feel trapped in my head, but I think I am finding my way to finding some freedom in performing and actually having some proper fun.
And finally, what would you like your Fringe 2024 audiences to take away from your show?
You’re not alone. As cliche as it sounds. You’re not. And if you think you have lost your mind, you most likely are simply lost in it. I also hope that audience members check out the mental health resources we have linked on our program and instagram page. I am not a mental health professional, but I do believe the resources we found can provide some great care and community for those who may want to or need it.